Still Holding Out For You
by suzanami
Summary: Death fic. Hikaru reflects on him and her feelings and struggles. [Spoilers for end of MKR II anime.]


Still Holding Out for You   
  
Hikaru contemplating Eagle's death. Yes, going by the anime. Pretend Eagle has a grave. No, I'm not a Hikaru x Eagle fan, but that doesn't mean she didn't love him.  
  
Characters © CLAMP; song © SHeDAISY; fic © suzanami, of course. ^-^   
  
suzanami@hellokitty.com   
  
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Never thought I'd be in this place   
It's someone else's life I'm living   
Wish I were living a lie   
  
  
I take a deep breath. What am I doing here? It depresses me... His grave...   
  
This doesn't feel real. Why did this happen to *me?*... This is something that happens to other people, not me... But then, I guess I am "other people" to everyone else. I wish this wasn't happening, that this hadn't happened.   
  
"Eagle..."   
  
Why did he have to go an try and save us, anyways? Stupid... He should have stayed away, gotten the medical aid you needed instead of rushing onto the battlefield. I clench my fist. I wish so badly that this was a dream or something, that it was just a lie, not true...   
  
  
The hardest part is when the bough breaks   
Falling down and then forgiving   
You didn't kiss me good-bye   
  
  
I take a deep breath, telling myself to be rational. This is reality, I have to deal.   
  
But just thinking of him makes my world come crashing down. Yes, I have Umi-chan, Fuu-chan, Lantis, and everyone else... But I loved him, too. I still do.   
  
I remind myself how selfless he was, putting his life before ours, before mine. Why did he have to do that?... If he hadn't done that, he would have been spared so much pain. I want to hate him for doing that. I want to hate him so badly... But I can't. I just can't bring myself to hate him. I never have been able to. He's too wonderful to hate.   
  
I think he might've loved me, too, loved me back. I mean, I know he loved Lantis, but you can love two people. I love him and Lantis both. I blink back more tears. "Eagle..."   
  
  
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say   
And pray I get the chance one day   
  
  
"I love you," I whimper, stepping closer to the gray stone slab. Slowly I kneel in front of it, feeling the chill of the cool dirt on my knees. I press my hand to the gravestone and rest my forehead against it. "I love you, Eagle... I'm so sorry I never told you..."   
  
Did he know? I don't know... I wish I could just say those words, just once. Why didn't I?   
  
  
I still run, I still swing open the door   
I still think you'll be there like before   
Doesn't everybody know to never come around   
Some things heart won't listen to   
I'm still holding out for you   
  
  
My hand on the stone clenches into a loose, weak fist. I still feel like he's alive, that he's here. Just earlier, I thought I heard his voice. I keep thinking that he's in the room in the palace where he'd been staying... But when I go there, it's empty. Nothing there.   
  
I try to convince myself that he's gone, but something inside me keeps denying it. Umi-chan, Fuu-chan, they keep telling me that I should accept his death, that he's *gone.* And they're right. Why can't I? It's frustrating. I can't let him go.   
  
I miss him so much...   
  
  
I can hear you smile in the dark   
I can even feel your breathing   
But daylight chases the ghosts   
  
  
I'm so sick of lying in bed every night and thinking of him. It's so weird. It's like he's right there, by my side, knelt beside my bed. I catch myself talking to him, then get angry at myself for thinking he's there.   
  
Yeah... During the day, there's distractions all around me to keep my mind occupied. But while I toss and turn in bed at night, there's nothing but Eagle for my mind to focus on. Nothing but darkness and his memory. That's all I have of him is memories! I hate it, and I dwell on that all night. But when morning comes, the distractions are back.   
  
I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.   
  
  
I see your coat and I fall apart   
To those hints of you I'm clinging   
Now's when I need them most   
  
  
Whenever I see Geo or Zazu, or even Lantis sometimes, I just want to cry. These people that Eagle loved make me think of him and how much I loved him. And how much I miss him.   
  
I sigh, wiping a tear from my cheek. I guess... I guess that they're the only physical reminders I have of Eagle. Squeezing my eyes shut, a little sob escapes my throat.   
  
I've been talking to Zazu a lot lately. He thought the world of Eagle and misses him as much as I do. He's such a good friend, and he's always there when I need him, to cry on his shoulder. His arms are almost as comforting as Eagle's.   
  
  
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead   
At least that's what you would have said   
  
  
Eagle didn't like to see me sad, or to see me cry. He said I'd look prettier with a smile... I know he wouldn't want me to sit here and cry, but I just can't move on. I miss him, love him, too much to move on.   
  
So I'm kneeling here, tears flowing freely now, my cheeks wet and salty. My eyes hurt from crying so much. I cry a lot when I'm alone. It would hurt Lantis, and Fuu-chan and Umi-chan if they saw me crying the way I do. Crying hopelessly. It's so pathetic. *I'm* so pathetic!   
  
And I'm so angry and frustrated with myself for *being* like this! Everyone else has accepted Eagle's death and moved on. I mean, I *know* that moving on doesn't mean you stop loving the person or even push them out of your mind, but you stop being depressed all the time. I haven't done that. And I'm angry at myself for not being able to, and for not *making* myself able to.   
  
I'm sorry, Eagle...   
  
  
I still run, I still swing open the door   
I still think you'll be there like before   
Doesn't everybody know to never come around   
Some things heart won't listen to   
I'm still holding out for you   
  
  
My shins slip out from under me and I sit my backside on the ground, leaning my whole torso against the icy cold stone, sobbing. Some of my tears slide onto the gravestone since my cheek is pressed to it. My shoulders shudder with harsh sobs as I just sit here and cry.   
  
"I love you," I manage through my sobs. "I miss you. Your friends miss you. Why did you have to go and save us? It's not fair, not fair that you've made me like this! Made me so bitter at myself... I'm not even sixteen yet, I don't need to be going through all this..."   
  
My voice fades away in the twilight and I sit here, blinking as I stop crying. My skin of my cheeks feels tense from drying tears. I take a shaky breath, trying to calm myself. 'Get a grip, Hikaru,' I remind myself. 'It's no one's fault...'  
  
Even though I still love him and feel like he's here...   
  
  
Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep   
It's the the only true comfort I feel...   
  
  
My fingers run lightly across his name on the stone. 'Eagle Vision.' I wonder if you had a middle name?...   
  
And even though I sit here, blinking at my eyes, red from crying, I feel a strange sort of peace. It's like you really *are* here, not just my longing for you making me think that you're here...   
  
  
I still run, I still swing open the door   
I still think you'll be there like before...   
  
  
I feel like a piece of my heart is missing, something that Fuu-chan and Umi-chan, Lantis, Clef, no one can take the place of. The people I love each have a little piece of my heart. And your piece is gone.   
  
  
I still run, I still swing open the door   
I still think you'll be there like before   
Doesn't everybody know to never come around   
Some things heart won't listen to   
I'm still holding out for you   
  
  
I sigh, leaning sleepily against the gravestone, looking at the sky, darkening with night, through half-lidded eyes. I blink lazily, my gaze tracking to the dirt. I watch an ant crawl across the ground for a few moments, thinking of Eagle's eyes. They were such a gentle gold...   
  
I turn so my back is pressed to the slab of stone, drawing my knees to my chin and pressing my nose to them, peeking over the tops. I can't stop thinking of him, can't stop wanting him back.   
  
I take a deep breath, trying to sort my thoughts. Maybe I'll try to think of Lantis. I love ALantis, too. And Lantis really is here... We both love Eagle so much, both miss him.   
  
I kneel again, turning back to the grave, touching his name again. "Eagle," I whisper. "I'll never truly let you go. I can't really let you go. You're too important to me. I love and miss you, and I hope you still love me and miss me, too." I again touch my forehead to the gravestone, lightly closing my eyes. I have a headache. "I love you..." I whimper.   
  
  
I'm still holding out...   
... for you...  
  



End file.
